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You are Here: Parachute History.com >> Humor >> Quotes


"I tell new jumpers that the Cypres software is written by Microsoft. They know I'm joking but it gets the point about infallibility across." - Skratch Garrison

"If your check bounces, so do you."

What do you call ten skydivers falling in a circle?
A dope ring

"If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting ethusiasts that bought our book 'Easy Skydiving in One Fell Swoop' please change line 19 on page 23 from 'state zip code' to ' pull ripcord'."

"Don't like floating - just fall off early so they don't make you do it any more." - Al Hawthorne

"Want more altitude - take it off the bottom."

Student: "What if my parachute won't open?"
JumpMaster: "Then you'll be the first one down!"

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

How does a blind parachutest know when to open his chute?
When the lead on his guide dog goes slack.

Sign seen at a Drop Zone (DZ): Man with unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.

Seen on a T-shirt: Remember the days when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous?

Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on luggage because of their value and poor handling of baggage by the airlines. This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings.

A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over his shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the new hire inspector had no idea what she was looking at and demanded that he open the container for inspection. Well, the jumper argued and supervisors were called and pilots were contacted, etc. The jumper finally convinced everyone that he was not a threat and was allowed to board with his parachute.

During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard the conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across from the jumper on the same flight. The elder fellow turned to his wife and said, "Martha, that fella has a parachute in that backpack" pointing to the rig as the jumper placed it under the seat.

The old lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the jumper and said, "Pardon me young man, but is that *really* a parachute?"

The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode, turned to the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you yours?"

There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems.

A man is doing his first skydive. He jumps from the plane, freefalls for a bit then pulls his main rip-cord...nothing happens. After a short panic, he pulls his reserve rip-cord...again, nothing happens. As he's zooming toward the ground, another man comes shooting past him toward the sky. The jumper hollers, "Hey! Do you know anything about rip-cords???" The other man returns, "NOooooo! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Skydiving student Sharon McClelland, 26, who had just amazingly survived a 10,000-foot plunge in September 1994 near Queensville, Ontario, into a marsh when her parachute malfunctioned, struggled to her feet and rushed to apologize to her instructor Kevin Killin because she had not followed procedures to open her backup chute.

Question: Why don't blind people skydive?
Answer: Because it scares the hell out of the dog!

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